The Guide To Being Aussie
by The Kitsune Warrior
Summary: Sonic and Tails get hold of a book...and with it they explore the amazing life that is.....the aussie............please R


Here's something I whipped up during some free time that I had. One shot.

This is going into the c2, 'one shots galore'

Disclaimer: I do not own sonic and co. They are owned by SEGA. I only own Orbin And Vixen…and they aren't even in this fic.

The Guide To Being Aussie 

**By _The Kitsune Warrior_**

Sonic and Tails were walking on the beach, taking a break from the usual chores of saving the world from the egg shaped menace, that is Dr. Eggman.

Suddenly…a tall man in a large trench coat covering him from toe to throat, jumped out in front of them, and opened his trench coat to reveal to them what he had.

"Ahh…tails…cover your eyes!"

Tails yelled back in agony "it's too late…I'MMMM BLIIIIND"

"What's he flashing at us?"

"Books" cried tails

"Aaahhhhhh… boooooooooooookkkssssss, get them away from m-"

And sonic realised what was going on. So did tails soon after

"You wanna buy a book?"

"No use to me" sonic said "can't read"

Tails jumped in front of sonic waving around a 20$ note

"Gimme gimme gimme. I can read," yelled tails while jumping up and down like a pogo stick on ecstasy

The trench coated book sales man happily snatched the 20$ note from Tails' paw and in exchange threw a thin yellow book at tails, who caught it and seen the trench coated book sales man run off towards the water

Tails looked at his book and then yelled at the trench coated book sales man "hey…this book isn't worth 20 bucks"

The trench coated book sales man just cackled like an evil witch and ran into the ocean, he went deeper, and deeper, until they couldn't see him anymore

"Um…sonic…what was that all about?"

"Don't ask me…you bought the book"

Tails and sonic sat down on the beach and looked at the book that tails had just bought

"Hey sonic check the title of this book"

How To Be A True Blue Ozzie! 

Sonic laughed hysterically at the title of the book.

"Hey tails…maybe we can read this and then go to Australia?"

Tails opened the book and started reading

How To Be A True Blue Ozzie!   
By Deon Mitchell.   
Introduction. Preparing for Aussie Life 

So…your gunna be an Aussie are you? You are! Good…well…there are a few things you need to know about Aussie life, before you get here. This report will cover everything you need to know to live your life, as an Aussie to it's fullest. We will begin with chapter 1.

**Chapter 1. The attire-**looking' ya best.

One of the first things you need to know about being an Aussie bloke is the clothes that you wear.

If you wear the wrong kind of clothes, you will receive such comments from your Aussie friends: "fag" "poof" "homo" and "you look gayer than Dame Edna at a Mardi gras"

Now…to avoid such comments, you will need to have certain garments on your person…. the most common clothes come in packs… the "bloke summer pack" is the most commonly used with today's blokes.

The summer pack includes:

A very large blue truckers singlet.

A pair of very tight fitting footy shorts…also known as 'stubbies'…and don't worry, your privates are supposed to hang out like that.

For footwear… your summer pack will include a pair of thongs…also known as flip-flops in the USA.

You will also need something to keep the sun of ya face…so the pack includes a truckers cap as well.

We also have a winter pack:

A large, long sleeved chequered flannelette shirt.

A pair of slightly baggy denim jeans…which comes with a free belt

For footwear…you will be supplied with a pear of steel capped Rossi boots (available in either brown or black)

And for the headwear…you will receive an akubra hat. (Available in a variety of browns.)

If you wish to purchase the packs…they are available at

Blokepacks. Com/ireallycantbelieveyouarereallyfallingforthiscrap.html

Next on the attire agenda…. the hair…if you brush your hair…you more than likely receive the same comments as above…so we suggest you don not brush your hair… however…if your hair gets too long…you are permitted to cut it short again…otherwise you will get paid out by being called a girl.

For the accessories…. a watch is generally ok…but only if you are going out to a 'posh' place. Sunglasses…or sunnies' are essential…that way you can put them on and go to sleep in the middle of the day without anyone knowing any better.

If you are a tough bloke…a tattoo is a good way to show it…the following tattoos are acceptable…

Naked ladies

Nearly naked ladies

Skulls

Hearts…only with the name of a woman on it… Mum is also acceptable …if there is no name…. do not get one or you will get paid out.

Any land roaming man-eating animal

Motorbikes

Cars…only good looking, and fast cars…the Hyundai excel, the ford focus, and the Holden barina are not acceptable.

Anything resembling the devil

**Chapter 2. Diet**- food and beer.

Generally…the food of an Aussie can be all sorts of things. However…if you want to become an Aussie…these are the most common.

Meat pies…generally footy pies, with or without tomato sauce

BBQ…one of the Aussie blokes longest traditions… the BBQ food includes…Chops, Chips, ham steaks, hamburgers, sausages, shrimp…commonly known as prawns in Australia and yabbies and crayfish and more

For drinks… There are two options…if you are under age…soft drinks…but if you are over the age of 18…there is only one choice…beer…the most common beer used with Aussie blokes are:

VB

MB

Crown Lager

Coldies.

Coopers

XXXX

Toohies extra dry

Sterling

West end draught\midstrength

Cascade

Some Sprits are also acceptable:

Bundy

Jonnie walker

Jack Daniels

Jim Beam

Kentucky Riders

Wild Turkey

Cougar

Tequila

Highlanders

Scotch

**Chapter 3. Housing**-location, location, location

The location is everything when you choose a house…you must be no more than 10 kms. From the closest pub. You must not be in the city…only in a country town.

There must be a river or lake nearby so you go fishing or swimming or camping. And your house must be close to your mates or you will go insane from loneliness.

**The Lifestyle Of An Aussie Bloke**- Livin' It Up

First up. In the lifestyle section…music…the following bands\artists ARE NOT acceptable:

The backstreet boys

NSYNC

Five

The Jackson Five

Michael Jackson

Guy Sebastian

Hanson

Emminem

Snoop Doggy Dog

50 Cent

The Wu Tang Clan

The Insane Clown Posse

Elton john

Madonna

Kylie Monnouge

The following bands\artists ARE acceptable:

AC\DC

Skyhooks

Pantera

Metalica

Mental As Anything

Sex Pistols

GreenDay

Jet

Living End

Hoodoo Gurus

Quiet Riot

Jimmy Barnes

Meatloaf

Billy idol

Deep Purple

MegaDeth

Ozzy Osbourne

Iron Maiden

Split Enz

Status Quo

Dragon

Angels

Screaming Jets

George Thoroghgood

GrinSpoon

NickelBack

The Commitments

Machine Gun Felatio

Faith No More

Joe Cocker

28 Days

Steve Vai

The Offspring

The Eagles

Good Charlote

Poison

Iggy Pop

Thin Lizzy

Fleetwood Mac

Jimmy Hendrix

Maddness

Gun's n' Roses

Etc.

Next in the lifestyle section…having mates…put it this way…. if you don't have mates…. go to the pub and get some…if you get it to a fight…well there's nothing I can do about it…I'm just a book.

Now for sport…sport is very important and if you do not like sport then you can't be an Aussie bloke…. Just by liking football, rugby, or cricket…and maybe tennis…you will understand Aussie culture a lot better than you used to.

Next up is pets…..a dog is man's best friend…. A cat isn't…..if you see a cat…shoot it… and feed it to your dog for dinner.

Sitting is also very important, as it displays your image. You must slump in your chair.

Cars are one of the most important things of an aussie blokes life…you must have either a holden or a ford…if your mate has a holden…buy a ford so you can argue over which is better and vice-versa.

Next up is fighting…put it this way…if you don't fight…your not an aussie…if you wanna fight…go down to the local pub and find one, if there is no fight in progress… start one.

School……Ahh screw it….NEXT

**Going Out**- coz home gets boring after a while

One place to go…the pub…you can do everything there. Drink, eat, drink, sleep (outside only) drink, and talk with mates, drink, play pool, drink, and play darts. Its also a good place too take the chicks…chuck a few beers down there throat and they'll do anything you wanna do. (Disclaimer- any injury caused by women beating the crap out of you cannot be blamed on us)

**Get A Job**-you need money for the beer

Go to centerlink and they'll sort you out…leave me alone, I don't get paid to look for jobs for you. If you go on the dole, don't tell centerlink, when you get a job, and you'll get double the money (Disclaimer- any charges laid on you for cheating the system can not be passed on to me, you done it on your own free will)

Your Ready 

You just gotta get through immigration and quarantine on both countries, and pass a citizenship test to become Australian when you've lived there for a couple of years.

Sonic and tails got up after reading the book and sped over to the station square airport and flew too Australia…became an Australian citizens and flew back home again, not remembering anything because they were drunk everyday for the whole time they were there. So they took their kangaroos and hopped home. THE END.

I hope you liked it…Please R&R as soon as you can…I want to know if I'm any good at comedy.


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